There are a lot of unfinished posts in my archives lately. I seem to have less and less ability to compartmentalize my life into clean, easy to read anecdotes. All my feelings about one event bleed into the next and I don't know how to articulate a small part of it without telling every nuance.
When I read back what I've written, I recognize I might come across as attention seeking or overly dramatic. I don't intend to sound like this, but I want to be honest in my vulnerability. I'm trying to do so in a way that doesn't elicit sympathy which is the last thing I want or need.
Time, gentleness, understanding and patience, Yes.
Sympathy, No.
We are so fortunate and I feel much gratitude for a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give the difficult experiences we need to grow. I want to be clear about that but I am tired from all the self editing and worrying about being misunderstood. It is my own fault for doing that and I'm working on not getting affected by what others think of me.
Sheldon and Thomas would be 7 months old today.
I know they want me to be honest about my grief journey. Sometimes I keep my thoughts private because it is the appropriate thing to do. Other times I have refrained from writing when it would have been healing to because it was so painful. Those were missed opportunities. My goal for the next five months is to take those opportunities. To be more open about the highs and lows and everything in between. This helps me heal as well as accept where I am in my grief and not rush the process or wish I was further along. To have peace, contentment, and to just Be.
If you choose to continue visiting--- I'm glad. I will be muddling through and figuring it out. Read with the understanding that I know things will be okay. We will be okay. The sting of death will fade and this life will feel as but a moment.
In the meantime, there are pages and pages to finish.
