There are so many things I miss about AZ right now. So many.
I miss the monsoons.
That rumble before the desert weeps.
The smell after the rains surrender.
I miss dear friends.
I miss Nate, Di and kids.
I miss lunches with Dad.
And dinners with Mom.
The water tower.
The Orange Groves.
The Temple.
The Cemetery.
The old me.
At times, I don't know what to do with myself.
Make new memories? It doesn't seem possible some days to get out of bed. But a two year old tugs at my toes every morning. He's almost two! I can't believe how quickly time passes. It feels like yesterday I was pregnant, waiting out the heat. Anxious to introduce him to the world. Anxious to be a mom. Scrubbing the house and doing laundry. Sometimes I miss that girl. So much energy and so many possibilities. There was no stopping her. Did I leave her in Mesa?
Morris tugs at my toes and then my fingers.
He wants to go to the beach. Again.
Ahhhh...Ooooooooo.k. I'mUpi'mUpi'mUp.
Man, where did this kid come from?
He reminds me of
Arizona.
::
We go beaching, and I love it.
As always.
I feel the sun on my face and hear the ocean waves.
Me. In California.
And today, I think to myself-- No thing, no one, is going to stop me.
Not even me.
Oh EM!!! I have felt these same exact thoughts... I actually cried the other day when I saw a picture of my with our firstborn as a baby. My husband asked if it was because he's now going on 14, but it was honestly because that girl in the picture had no heartache, no idea of the pain of losing a child. She was completely immune to the thought that tragedy would touch her life. She was the girl before our Tanner and the twins.
ReplyDeleteBut you are right my friend. We are new women and mothers now. You and I know not to take beauty or love for granted. We are girls who are marked with sadness, but are we not also marked with the discernment that allows us to find great joy in our blessings?
I adore you, my dear, and I think of you every day and I pray for you every night. I know with all my heart that we will rejoice together with our babies one day.
Much love to you and to Mo for tugging at your heart.
xoxoxoxo
that's beautiful, em. you have such a way with words.
ReplyDeleteWe just hit our 1 year mark being in Utah, and it has been hard for me too. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about our life in AZ, and all the sweet memories there. There is something liberating and also so scary that comes with a big move like that. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI need a two year old tugging at my toes to get me up every morning. Luuuuuccky!
ReplyDeleteEmily, this is such a sweet and tender post. We miss you in Mesa as well! It is so hard sometimes to know what we really want and to be okay with ourselves and our decisions. (At least it is that way for me). I hope that you know what an amazing and strong woman that you are! I admire you so! Take care and maybe I'll see you next week?? I'm excited!
ReplyDeleteHere's something to think about.
ReplyDelete--- We grow a new stomach lining every four days;
--- The surface stomach cells that come into contact with digesting food renew themselves every five minutes;
--- Our skin is completely new every five weeks;
--- Our livers are completely regenerated every six weeks;
--- We rebuild our entire skeletal structure every three months; and
--- The entire body completely recreates itself, down to the last atom, every four or five years.
Physically our old aliases no longer exist. But we get to take their wisdom with us, becoming old souls in evolving bodies. I love you, your soul, and the life you're creating. You're an amazing woman Emmy. Arizona misses you too. Don't hesitate a visit.
I understand some of what you mean and think this is a beautiful post. I love Reachel's perspective.
ReplyDeleteThe sacrifices we make *(Sleep) to have children.. There is something so sweet about that little voice, the cry, the newness of our little ones who need us..
ReplyDeleteThe great thing.. is that life, allows us to change. They say every 7 years we have very different life circumstances, and we even replace our friendship circles. This might be your seven year... :)
Your writing is beautiful and inspirational, thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteCorie