In Their Words: How to support the Bereaved

(Post edit: I reposted this series in reverse chronological order 

so you may read straight down the series in order)

 My hope for this series is to help others with the tools to support the bereaved. It is hard to know what to say or do when someone has lost a loved one. Even after experiencing my own grief, I've struggled to comfort others in theirs.

I'm grateful for the personal emails from bereaved mothers, fathers, siblings, daughters and grandparents. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. Each perspective is so important. I could easily post every email in full, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone who may already feel overwhelmed at the task of supporting those who grieve. Instead, I will recap some common themes and requests in the words of the Bereaved. I have kept contributors anonymous and will add to this series in the future, because the whole of their words is too important to not post at some point.

Say Something:
"Even if you don't know what to say, say something! Don't try and say some profound thing, because most of the time it won't really matter. Some of the most supportive times I've had with others is when they came up to me and simply said "I am so sorry, I don't know what to say or do, but please know that I am thinking of you..." ~bereaved Mother

Beware of minimizing grief:
"Words like, 'at least they didn't suffer' or 's/he is in a better place' can make a grieving person feel guilty for their sadness. It made me feel like a bad daughter because I would rather my father be here, alive in an imperfect, painful world--with me! In the end, I know these words were intended to make me feel better, but really nothing makes one feel better when you've lost your Dad". ~bereaved Daughter

"When I tell people my son was born at 22 weeks, often their comments are something to the effect of, 'So, he wasn't born alive then' or 'At least he didn't live'. To me, it feels the translation is, 'He wasn't alive, so you didn't really lose anything'. It's frustrating and quite hurtful. He actually did live a few precious moments, but I think that is irrelevant. Even if he had been born still, it wouldn't be any easier. He is our son and we don't have him with us." ~bereaved Father

Be Gentle/Patient:
"The death of a child can break up a marriage (statistics show roughly 80%), so why wouldn't it put some serious strain on other relationships? Just expect the grieving to be sensitive and be willing to be there for them anyway." ~bereaved Mother

"Understand how physically tired, absent minded and frazzled grief can make someone. Even months and sometimes years later. It truly is like living in a fog." ~bereaved Mother

"Sometimes just answering an email or phone call, or responding to a bouquet of flowers to say 'Thank You' was overwhelming. I rarely talked to people, but I always appreciated their gestures." ~bereaved Daughter

"Please be sensitive in what emails/forwards you send to a grieving person. Pseudo-religious stories about 'faith' or 'counting your blessings' especially when accompanied with pictures of suffering people (in my case specifically children) can really hurt and delay the healing process." ~bereaved Mother 

Validate and Acknowledge: 
"It was hard for some of my friends to understand why I was so broken up over losing a grand-daughter I never knew or held while she was alive. Some were very uncomfortable when I mentioned her name, but I needed them to know that she was real. I needed them to acknowledge our loss." ~bereaved Grandmother

"Acknowledge that you don't know what they are going through, even if you have had a similar loss, it will never be exactly the same. Love them, pray for them, pray to know what to do, don't go away, and they will know and feel that you love them and want to help them. " ~bereaved Mother

Grief is work: Understand that grief is work, and allow the bereaved to labor through the journey. If we try to "spare the hurt" it will come up later in more complex ways.

"When planning the funeral for [my husband], many people wanted to sort of do it for me because I was so young. What was hard for me to tell them at the time was that I really wanted to be more involved because it helped me feel I was serving him in the only way I had left. Looking back, there are things I definitely would have done different had I realized how much it meant to me. It's even painful to think about." ~bereaved Wife

"Some thing that was difficult was when others treated me like I wouldn't be able to manage. I read a book about grieving a while ago and it talked about letting the bereaved have as much control and DO as much as they can to plan the funeral, pack up the person's belongings, and those kinds of things. I know a lot of people who think maybe they should go and put all the deceased person's belongings away for the Grieving. I think this actually sends the message that they can't handle this, it's too hard. My mom, for example, took over planning the funeral. She also washed all of our baby's clothes and blankets before I got home from the hospital. I know she was trying to help, but looking back, it wasn't helpful."~bereaved Mother

Grief has no time limit:
"I remember one particularly painful anniversary of my brother's death... He'd probably died 5 years before or something but for some reason the anniversary that year STUNG and the grief was so fresh. I called a friend and she said, 'It's been 5 years! You cant keep doing this to yourself every single year!' It was shocking. I wanted to hang up."~bereaved Sister

"It never, never, never gets better. Only different".~bereaved Mother

"If you are trying to support a grieving friend, remain constantly open and available to them, for even longer than it might seem that they need it. No matter how much time passes, it's still going to be a very painful and emotional experience for them. I actually feel more awkward now (over 2 years later) talking to people about losing [our son] than I did after we first lost him. Even if it's not true, it feels like people expect me to have moved on by now."~bereaved Mother

Talking is good:
"Even still, people I can say her name around without feeling awkward are dear to me. Especially now, people who will say her name ... that makes me happy."~bereaved Mother

"The moments I have found the most peace during my grieving process are the times that I have been able to share memories or stories with someone willing to listen - someone who does not make me feel uncomfortable talking about the deceased. My mom was so fantastic and amazing. Why wouldn't I want to talk about her? That is how memories are preserved. Memories are a completely normal thing to share. It doesn't matter if it is a memory of someone alive or dead. The majority of my life's experiences involve my mom in one way or another. I don't want to have to lock those up simply because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable if I mention them. And the thing I crave - the thing I hunger and thirst after without even realizing I am starving until it's served to me - are memories that others have of my Mom that they share. The time I had with her was only a small snippet of the rich life she led. She touched so many lives and served so many people. I long for stories from others. They make her more real to me. That she was not just a mom. She was a sister, a wife, a friend, a roommate, a neighbor, a daughter, a leader, a child, a student, an aunt, a cousin, an artist, a musician, a counselor, a teammate, a teacher. I love finding out about those areas of her life. " ~bereaved Daughter

Sometimes it's the little things:
"One example is when [a friend] asked me if I needed anything. All I could think was that I wanted a light blue Gerber daisy for the sign in table at the funeral and even though it was completely random, it was something I couldn't do. She was willing to get one for me and I was so grateful. Small things like that are what I remember most." ~bereaved Mother

"On anniversary dates of my husband's passing, I've always appreciated a card in the mail or a voice message from a friend saying they are thinking about me and [my late husband]. No matter how many years pass, those days are always easier when someone remembers". ~bereaved Wife

Edit added 2014: 
I believe this clip by Brene Brown relates to many areas of life, not just grief.