I woke up this morning and decided to take the day moment by moment. It was a quiet easy morning-- Mo and Danny slept in. At 11:25 we started our candle lighting, blowing out Thomas' flame at 11:51. We talked about Sheldon and Thomas and said a prayer of gratitude for everything we are learning because of their lives. We looked through photos.
It's an interesting ritual for me. Painful, but healing. Even soothing. Both years it has felt as though the minutes take hours-- just how it felt when holding our boys in my arms. Eternity, yet just long enough for me to fall hopelessly and deeply in love with two angels who were meant for another realm. It was over in a blink.
My emotions took over and I was vibrating with love and grief. And so I did what any woman would do at that moment. I grabbed some scissors and cut myself some bangs.
And I instantly felt better.
Like, immensely better.
I needed something to mark time. Last year was 12 inches so the least I could do was six. October 31 might become my yearly haircut.
Our boys were wise to choose Halloween.
It's actually quite a gift, even though as we pulled into the hospital (my gut knowing what the outcome would be) I thought. "Seriously? Halloween? It couldn't get any weirder". I thought I wouldn't ever be able to enjoy Halloween again, or say "Happy Halloween" to trick-or-treaters. (Cause what's happy about losing babies?) Last year even the sight of fake graves in peoples' lawns would catch me off guard. Small skeletons and mentions of spirits were all just a bit too much.
But my boys gave me a gift. You see, Roger and I have both LOVED Halloween since childhood. Like favorite holiday-love.
I want Mo and Danny to enjoy Halloween as much as Roger and I did growing up. Something in me gives myself a deadline and I think it's healthy. I can feel the grief the few days before the 31st, but I've gotta work through it by Halloween or my kids are going to resent the day that should be fun. I cry, I mope, I cry again--- and then I'm done and excited for a holiday in which kids (and some kid-like adultss get dressed up. Cause what kid doesn't want to do that? and kids get candy--and what kid doesn't love that?
Anyway, tonight Mo had fun. I feel really good about that. He got in his ironman costume and jumped up to answer the door at every bell--then handed out candy. We decorated our porch and had a jack-o-lantern. I made pie. It felt normal.
and fun.
Right now I'm eating that delicious pumpkin pie. Another ritual. At Mo's Birthday we had flan. At Danny's it was German Chocolate cake. With the boys it was Pumpkin pie. I'm on my 3rd piece.
It's an interesting ritual for me. Painful, but healing. Even soothing. Both years it has felt as though the minutes take hours-- just how it felt when holding our boys in my arms. Eternity, yet just long enough for me to fall hopelessly and deeply in love with two angels who were meant for another realm. It was over in a blink.
My emotions took over and I was vibrating with love and grief. And so I did what any woman would do at that moment. I grabbed some scissors and cut myself some bangs.
And I instantly felt better.
Like, immensely better.
I needed something to mark time. Last year was 12 inches so the least I could do was six. October 31 might become my yearly haircut.
Our boys were wise to choose Halloween.
It's actually quite a gift, even though as we pulled into the hospital (my gut knowing what the outcome would be) I thought. "Seriously? Halloween? It couldn't get any weirder". I thought I wouldn't ever be able to enjoy Halloween again, or say "Happy Halloween" to trick-or-treaters. (Cause what's happy about losing babies?) Last year even the sight of fake graves in peoples' lawns would catch me off guard. Small skeletons and mentions of spirits were all just a bit too much.
But my boys gave me a gift. You see, Roger and I have both LOVED Halloween since childhood. Like favorite holiday-love.
I want Mo and Danny to enjoy Halloween as much as Roger and I did growing up. Something in me gives myself a deadline and I think it's healthy. I can feel the grief the few days before the 31st, but I've gotta work through it by Halloween or my kids are going to resent the day that should be fun. I cry, I mope, I cry again--- and then I'm done and excited for a holiday in which kids (and some kid-like adultss get dressed up. Cause what kid doesn't want to do that? and kids get candy--and what kid doesn't love that?
Anyway, tonight Mo had fun. I feel really good about that. He got in his ironman costume and jumped up to answer the door at every bell--then handed out candy. We decorated our porch and had a jack-o-lantern. I made pie. It felt normal.
and fun.
Right now I'm eating that delicious pumpkin pie. Another ritual. At Mo's Birthday we had flan. At Danny's it was German Chocolate cake. With the boys it was Pumpkin pie. I'm on my 3rd piece.
Always thinking of you on this day. (and many others too)
ReplyDeleteI thought of you yesterday. I love your candle lighting. Such a sweet reminder. Big hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine how hard losing your boys must have been/ be.
ReplyDeleteIt is good you have a tradition to honor them, and also good you are still able to show Mo and Danny some Halloween fun as well.
And props to you for 3 pieces of pumpkin pie!! :)
So proud of you for getting through that - and with a positive attitude too! Pics of the bangs (and possibly of baby's costume too?)
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