From the archives~

I've started looking back into what I call my shadow posts. The ones  that were therapeutic to write, but not beneficial to post at the time, because the second half had not come to me yet. This writing and grief work helps. It teaches us, so be gentle with yourself. I must practice staying engaged and paying attention to the lessons.
Writing is my soul's exhale. Some days, it is the wind I've had knocked out of me. In my dark moments, it is a prayer that I pour out unto my God so that he can fill me up with something better. It's okay if it is not graceful. At first, breathing through life may register as more painful in some ways, because we become more present in the moment. But it also means WE'RE BREATHING and that is a good thing, even when it hurts. Eventually we must become perfectly aware of our breath, and there is gratitude found within the inhale and the exhale. The pain begins to feel like growth. Growth gives way to greater love for others, and greater love, cycles back around to greater capacity for joy, which inspires a deeper inhale. Then a deeper exhale...
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Written November 5th 2011

You know the nursery rhyme, "Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November"? I guess it was also a phrase in some Natalie Portman movie. Well, it kind of will never go away for me. Each year I really try to breathe through October. I want to hold my breath, close my eyes, plug my ears and hide underneath the blankets until it all passes. But I also want to savor every single minute. Every moment, as if to count off the seconds since I last held them. As if, I can somehow clench my body so tight that some tear in the fabric of time will transport me back three years and I can open my eyes and find myself there with them. Feeling them in my arms and seeing their little chests rise and fall. And hear their heartbeats again through that stethoscope. I wish I had asked to keep that stethoscope. What could they say to a woman with her dying babies in her arms? I feel like with the progress I've made and the grief work I've done, part of me expects for these thoughts and feelings to disappear completely.
Anyhow, I usually wake up on November 1 and relive that November 1, and the nightmare that I had the day before that I couldn't wake up from. And then the rest of that week unfolds as if before me on a screen.
Because of excessive bleeding and complications after the delivery I had to have an emergency surgery, which required I be put under, and receive morphine. If you know me, and you know how I respond to medication, you know this was not fantastic. I won't go into details, but it was no bueno.
November 3rd, when I was barely out of the hospital and still could not walk properly, we were expected in court. Because we had declared bankruptcy. And lost the house. And the car.
As you can see, this, is all no bueno.
To culminate, on the 5th of November, we buried our babies. So, I will always, always, remember the Fifth of November. I couldn't forget it if I tried. I just wish there wasn't an eerie rhyme about it, because honestly, today it is kind of pissing me off and less than 2 weeks ago I lost my marriage. 
Can it just stop already? Can I just quit remembering?
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11/5/14

After reading a few of these shadow posts, I realized that perhaps there is value for those experiencing some of the same feelings I felt and articulated. Maybe someone is desperate, as I was, to hear that there is in fact, a light at the end of their dark tunnel. A light that they just cannot see quite yet. The truth is that today, right this moment, I am feeling so much light and so much hope and I want to encourage anyone navigating the dark, to hang on. I wrote the above post 3 years ago, and I tell you that The Lord will heal us and He can help us change our lives. We can't change every circumstance, but we can change so much. We can learn and grow and deepen our vessels to fill and experience even greater joy. I am so grateful for this true principle. I'm actually really enthusiastic about it! Now, today, *this* is what I remember; that I have done hard things, as we all have. I have kept walking and trying. I didn't quit. 

I didn't quit.

I WON'T QUIT.

Because I'm telling you now, there have been so many times I nearly did.
And now, I am feeling happiness and knowing true joy. 

He is a God of miracles.

Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November.