How to support the bereaved (Part 1-Understanding)

I first want to say, Thank you for reading this. You must be a caring person who wants to better understand how to support those who may be grieving now or in the future. The very fact that you are interested, puts you in a special class of people. Second, I want to say how important those who first surround the bereaved are . I vividly remember every person who made contact with me in the hours and days after Sheldon & Thomas died. Thankfully, most were very compassionate and loving. They helped me feel free of any expectations on how I should feel or act. This allowed me to begin my grief process in healthy ways. In this series, I will talk about the different elements of grief and how you can be the most supportive . It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. It’s common to feel helpless, awkward, or unsure. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better.

While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.

Understanding the bereavment process:

The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member. This may all sound like common sense, but we were surprised the number of people who could have benefitted from this refresher of the bereavement process:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It is an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing.

• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, the hardest time for bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Anniversaries of angel days, holidays and birthdays may be difficult for years and years to come. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.

I rarely used the word "died" when speaking of our boys at first. This is because I was afraid it was too abrupt for others. However, I greatly appreciated when others used it with me. It showed they recognized the depth of what we were going through. It sounds really dark and that might make you nervous of "reminding" the bereaved of their loss. I know I felt this before we experienced it ourselves. I assure you, they haven't forgotten.

• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened."

• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

The most helpful of comments were simple and honest. " I don't know what to say. There are no words. I'm just so sorry". No need to tell them anything to make them feel better. Trust me, nothing really makes one feel better when mourning a death. In fact, trying to make them feel better only makes them feel worse.

• Offer your support. Example: "I'd like to bring you dinner. What time should I come?"

Telling them you plan to help, rather than saying "Let me know if you need anything" shows you really mean it. I remember feeling guilty for awhile for the support we recieved, thinking I was putting people out. Then the bottom fell out and I didn't know which way was up. A sister in my ward came over and simply told me she was taking my laundry. Under normal circumstances I would never allow it. I was much too proud. But in the middle of grief, even fixing a sandwich was exhuasting. My laundry had built up and I was so grateful for her service. I have never forgotten it and nearly cry anytime I think of it.

• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

The first year (+) is an emotional roller coaster. There were days I woke up feeling pretty much okay. I would make an effort to get out and be social. The next time a social gathering came up, many times I felt horrible. I worried that my previous "happy face" would make it seem I was healed and over it, and others would be confused as to my down mood. Honestly? Some people were confused and I wasn't sure what to say. The bereaved need to feel free to be happy on days they wake up and the sun is shining. If we don't take those breaks, we will literally go crazy. Please understand the very next day could be a 180 degree difference. Sometimes people ask, "How are you?" out of habit, not really expecting to hear a real answer other than, "Fine". Please do not ask unless you are prepared for any answer.