How to support the Bereaved (Part 2-Listening and Comforting)

Helping the Bereaved Tip 1: Listen with compassion
We have all worried about what to say to a grieving person, and what we say is important. However, what is more important is being able to listen. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, that it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten.
While we would never want to force anyone to open up, helping them to feel permission to talk about the deceased is what they need and want---even if they choose not to. Just having permission, is helpful. If you sense they want to talk about it, try sensitively asking, "Do you want to talk?". If not, please don't take offense. At some point in the future they may need to. They will remember that you offered to listen and that they are safe opening up with you.

It really helps me when others refer to Sheldon and Thomas, saying how beautiful they were, or commenting how much they look like Roger. It helps me feel open talking about how proud I of them. I love talking about all my boys and especially appreciate when others can share my joy. When I can talk about them, they live on in my life.

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. Simply offering eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug is often all the moment needs.

• Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. I have found this to be true with blogging. The more I can release my thoughts surrounding that day, the less it stings. Someone once said they couldn't understand why I blogged---why I was so public with my grief. My response: "It purges the ache for awhile". Talking and crying are both natural pain relievers...
  

• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay. Don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.

One thing I've learned is that even though I've suffered a loss, I don't know perfectly what everyone else is feeling when they have a loss. Even Roger and I have different feelings about our loss. How could I ever tell another mother who lost a baby, I know exactly how she feels? I can't. She lost her baby, and I lost mine. We may have similar stories and share some of the same feelings, but all of our life experiences cause us to deal differently with our losses. I would never claim to know anything about what someone feels after losing a parent or sibling. I am not them, and have not experienced those losses.

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels so that you can understand better.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they sometimes respond with (or think), "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
  
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." or "You'll see him again after this life". The bereaved may or may not believe this. Death can cause a faith crisis in many. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked. Even if the person does have great peace about where their loved one is, to "remind" them of this feels as if you are questioning their faith or diminishing what they feel.

Even though I have a strong faith that I will see my boys again (and will talk about it at times), these kinds of comments from others make me feel as though because I have this faith, I am not allowed to miss them or grieve the loss of having them here with me now. I know, double standard. I can talk about faith, you can't. What can I say?

• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with life because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

What have your experiences been, either in grieving, or in comforting the Bereaved?