How to Support the Bereaved (Part 4-- Grieving Children and Loss of Pregnancy)

Supporting a child through grief and bereavement

Morris was 14 months old when Sheldon & Thomas died. Karen, our hospital grievance counselor shared with us some of the ways children grieve after a death. I wasn't sure I believed that at a year old, a baby could understand any of it. Really, I was just hoping he wouldn't feel any of what we were going through.
I was wrong.
Morris was very aware, and I was surprised at all the ways his grief manifested. He may not have been able to comprehend death in the way that we did, but he definitely sensed the loss.
I was heartbroken for him. For all of us.
Very young children do feel the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss – particularly of a sibling or parent – children need support, stability, and honesty. They may also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating that it’s okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

• Teach that death is part of life. Adults often avoid talking about death in an effort to protect children from unpleasantness. Instead, look for teachable moments. Wilting flowers, changing seasons or the death of a family pet provides an opportunity to show death as a part of life. Visit elderly friends or relatives to show children that aging is normal. Children will accept and confront death if adults allow it.

As a child, I was taught about death from a Christian perspective. The analogy of a hand being like the spirit and a glove like the body is what helped me understand better when my grandparents died. When the body (glove) has fulfilled it's purpose on the earth, the spirit (hand) goes on living outside of the body in a way we cannot see them. Though I understood I could not see my grandparents any longer, I knew their bodies no longer felt pain while in the grave. That was comforting to me.

• Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings. Children often express themselves through stories, games and artwork, encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities about how they are coping. Allow children to be the teachers of their own grief experience. Give children the opportunity to tell their story. Listen.
• Be honest. Present the information in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information by explaining, "Grandpa died last night." Avoid saying, "The Lord needed another angel", "He went to sleep" or "He's gone away." These terms could leave children upset with God, wondering if they will die when they go to sleep or if the person is coming back.
• Don't delay telling about a death. Delaying can do more harm than good. If you wait, someone else may tell your child or he will overhear it in conversation. Learning the news from you is less frightening.
  

• Answer questions. Some children are satisfied with the facts. Others will ask a multitude of questions. Allow questions and answer them, even admitting when you don't have the answer. Children are repetitive in their grief. They may ask the same questions over and over, sometimes because they want a different answer and sometimes because they just don’t understand. Children’s repeated questions are their attempts to take in the meaning of the family’s loss.

• Recognize fears. Death can be a scary concept for children. If your child expresses fear about seeing the body or going to the funeral, don't force the issue. Comfort and reassure your child following a death of somebody he knows.
  
• Let them see you grieve. Children need to know that grieving is acceptable. Allow children to see you cry. By crying in front of your child, you send the message that it’s okay for him or her to express feelings, too. Let them know that some people are sad on the inside and others will be sad on the outside and will show their sadness by crying. Reassure them when they see you cry that you are crying because you miss the loved one who died, not because of their behavior. Emotional pain is part of losing a loved one. Children pick up on much more than adults realize. Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal. Allow the child, no matter how young, to attend funeral services if they desire.
  

• Cherish the memories. Continue to talk about the loved one who died. Look through photo albums, talk about pleasant experiences and happy memories.

Click HERE for a great document on Navigating Children's Grief

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Supporting a woman after miscarriage or loss of pregnancy.
We all know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or loss of pregnancy in some stage. You may be surprised that supporting a family after these kinds of losses is not different from supporting them after any other loss. They need the same understanding and comfort. Having experienced both miscarriage and neonatal loss, I really believe that to be true. Everyone handles loss differently. The duration and intensity of support needed for miscarriage/pregnancy loss may not be the same as another loss (it might however), but families still need to know that their baby will be missed and their loss is significant. Nothing you say can make them feel better. But they need to know you care.
What to say:
"I'm here for you if you want to talk about it"
and
"I was so sorry to hear about _____ (your miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, the loss of (name of baby), etc.)"
are both appropriate responses. Keep it simple and follow their lead. They may want to talk. They may simply say thank you (and no doubt feel grateful that you acknowledged their grief).

Please don't minimize their loss by saying any of the following:
-"You can always have another baby"
-"At least the baby didn't live. That would be really hard"
-"There must have been something wrong"
-"At least you can get pregnant"
-"Miscarriages are common"-"I understand how you feel"
-"Be grateful for the children you have"
-"It's for the best"or anything that begins with "But..." or "At least"

Even if a woman says any of these things herself, she may be testing to see if you agree and feel her loss is unimportant. If she says something to minimize her own loss, please tell her again you are sorry she has to go through it. Keep it simple.

What to do:
As with any loss, being proactive about what you do is important. Don't say, "Let me know if there is something I can do"---they usually won't. Just do something, or be specific in what you offer. Whatever you want to call it: Being in tune with the Spirit, or using your intuition and listening skills---follow your gut on what you feel the mother and family needs. You can show you care by any of the following.
- A card letting her know her family is in your thoughts.
- Planting a tree in honor of her baby
- a donation to a charity in the family or baby's name
- a genuine hug
- a Light of My Heart candle
- Healing Heart Mist
- Harmony Tea
- or the whole Healing Hearts Comfort Kit by Earth Mama Angel Baby

I was saddened that after the death of our boys, some women told me, "I had a miscarriage, but that is nothing like what you are going through". I don't believe it is healthy to compare grief, and comments like that diminish what those families went through. It would be hurtful to me, losing our babies after birth, for a woman who lost a toddler to say her grief was harder than mine--simply because she had her child longer than I did. On the same token, it would be hurtful to that woman who lost a toddler for the grieving mother of a 17 year old to claim her grief was harder than both of ours. It just isn't true and it's not productive... Miscarriage and other pregnancy loss is a very real loss. Our culture needs to remember that.