How to Support the Bereaved (Part 3--What can I do?)

Help a grieving person Tip 2: Offer practical assistance

Grieving is really hard work. It's exhausting; both emotionally and physically draining. However, it is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden, or are plain too depressed to reach out. You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions – such as, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made chicken noodle soup for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

A few women I know said the question "What can I do?" causes feelings of stress. Not that they don't appreciate the gesture, but it requires so much thought and energy at a time when they aren't even in a state of mind to realize when they're hungry. How can they know what to ask of you? Instead, offer a list of specific things you are willing to do (I would like to: 1, 2, 3). Give help freely without making them ask for it because they probably won't. All they really want is their loved one back, and no one can bring them back.

Consistency is very helpful, if you can manage it – being there as often and for as long as it takes. This helps the grieving person look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again. (Follow their lead and don't pressure. If they decline help, don't take offense. Often they are just unsure if you really mean it. But if you are gently consistent, they may slowly allow it). Again, be specific in what you offer to do.

Be the one who takes the initiative

There are many ways you can help those grieving. The following are things I appreciated or heard were helpful from others.

• Learn more about the Grief process
• Go to the funeral services
  
• Shop for groceries
  
• Drop off a re-heatable dinner or a takeout food gift-card
  
• Ask the bereaved if they wish to contact friends and family members themselves or if they prefer for someone else to make and accept the calls
• Offer to let out of town relatives for the funeral stay in your home
• Offer to make a book or an enlarged photocopy of a special picture for display at the service
• Wash and clean their car before the services
• Help keep up with insurance forms or bills
• Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
• Watch their children or pick them up from school
• Drive them or run necessary errands (*Important as driving requires concentration and grief drains one of that ability)
  
• Look after their pets if they leave town for the funeral
  
• Send a card, so they know they're in your thoughts
  
• Keep record of who brings gifts, flowers and food
  
• Help with thank you notes
• Take them to lunch
• Accompany them on a walk
• Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)
• Mow their lawn
• Send a potted plant or flower (some bereaved have a hard time when cut flowers die)
• Give them a keepsake box (like Here or Here) to keep mementos from their loved one
• Let them know you are thinking of them on anniversary dates (6 month, year, etc.)
  
• Make a contribution to a charity that would be meaningful for the family
  
• Write about your favorite memories of the deceased and/or give them photos of their loved one

From a bereaved mother: My friend did something especially helpful. She sat down and let me cry about everything---much was around how overwhelmed I felt (this was a few weeks after the funeral, and our new "normal" life had set in). Then she went around my house and wrote a list of things I needed done, but didn't have the energy to do --basically any chores that were piling up in our home (I added to it as needed). When she dropped by a few times to check on me, she took the list off the fridge and did what she had the time/energy to do. This way, I felt she was only giving what she could and not more---I felt I wasn't a burden. This was extremely helpful. Soon, I realized I could use the list for anyone who asked what they could help with. I would hand them the list and they could pick something to do. PRICELESS!

Other ideas: If you work in a profession that offers something you think the family might need or want, propose your services free of charge. This can range in anything from changing their tires to hairstyling and manicures. Not only will this help financially (as funerals are quite expensive), but it will help them remember they deserve those services they would otherwise forgo.

One of the most touching acts of kindness for me was when we had our pictures taken with a NILMDTS photographer. The photographer was so generous with her talents and friends came to do my hair and nails at the hospital so I wouldn't look quite as disheveled. It not only lifted my spirit that devastating day, but every time I see those photos, I am grateful matted hair and neglected cuticles do not detract from that beautiful moment.

Note: Please remember, if the bereaved does not respond to an email or phone message, it does not mean they are upset with you. It might simply mean they don't have the energy. One thing I really liked was when people said right in their message, "No need to respond"--so I didn't worry about what they thought. But I always appreciated their messages.

Help a grieving person Tip 3: Provide ongoing support

Grieving continues long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person. But in general, grief lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months and years to come.

• Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever, once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.
  -A grieving daughter: A friend scheduled time with me every week on the same day. This consistency was helpful, and showed she really cared and meant it. Sometimes we would just sit and talk, other times we would work on the house together. After a few weeks of strengthening this safety in our relationship, I started to open up and really talk about my grief in a way I couldn't before. There was never the expectation on her part to "fix me" or get rid of my grief, only to listen and validate every feeling.

• Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.

• The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life will never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time. But the sadness never completely goes away, it just changes.

• Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re thinking of their loved one and are there for whatever he or she needs.

What has been your experience either in being supported, or supporting another through grief and bereavement? Please share your thoughts and comments...