Surrender. Release. Breathe.

So... I had some labor this weekend. I wouldn't even call it false labor because I know that had I been ready emotionally and physically (as in, if this house hadn't been a construction zone), I'd be holding a newborn right now.
But I wasn't, and I'm not.
When the surges started, a million thoughts and feelings ran through my body. First of course was exhilaration at the idea of meeting our next baby. But then my mind took over and I started to think of the things I had planned to do before baby arrived. A planned home birth takes a lot of preparation. A LOT. Both emotionally and logistically. Totally worth it, but it's definitely work. I had most of my supplies gathered (my birth kit, my birthing pool, plastic sheets and clean linens packed in sterile bags, etc. etc. etc.). But a few things weren't ready. My house still had wood shavings and dust, some tools laying around and most importantly, my Wonder Woman mug was packed away! I couldn't give birth without my Wonder Woman mug.
We did some quick cleaning and rushed to Target to pick up a few items so I could feel a little more prepared. Pausing in the isles with each surge. Waddling to the cash register. Getting pitiful looks.
I got back in the car and cried. The truth was, I wasn't ready. So we said a few prayers for more time--- Something I didn't feel I had a right to do the last time, because I knew it was time.
The surges stopped.
Then, Monday morning a friend showed up on my doorstep. An out of state friend who knew I needed even more support. Knew I needed to talk about more than diapers and swaddling. She came on her own accord and got a hotel.
I am so blessed with dear friends and family. Because, dang I've been needy.
Friends who have offered to take Mo for play dates, or taken us to dinner, or offered emotional support with phone calls and emails--expecting nothing in return.
Family who send care packages and birthday gifts or come help us finish our house construction.
Man I'm blessed.

I've had a shift these last few days. A needed shift. I'm a little more emotional. A little more vulnerable and open. I need to surrender for this birth. Mo's birth was so blissful and perfect. I know this one will be perfect too, but I can't ignore the fact that emotions are coming up from our second birth. As beautiful as it was, there obviously are traumatic elements that have begun to surface and I'm confident will continue coming up. I'm missing them all over again. Like they were born yesterday, and here I am giving birth again. It's surreal and quite confusing. I want to give that the weight it deserves and stop minimizing the gravity of this birth.

Babies are so smart. They know what they need. They know what mothers need. They know when and how to come so that we learn what God wants us to learn from our birth stories. They bring gifts with them on their birth days.

Surrendering. Releasing. Breathing.