I won't delude myself into believing I don't care what people think of me. Because I do.
I've heard a few things over the months that I've tried to let go and not waste my energy analyzing. After all, judgmental comments are really about the person making them, right?
The problem is that I've had a hard time finishing and posting Daniel's birth story because of such a judgment. I began feeling misunderstood and wondered if there were others who felt as this person does. And because I do care how people perceive my intentions, I feel the need to clarify.
As an advocate of homebirth, I've often worried others believe I judge their decisions in pregnancy and birth. For this reason I have always tried to understand and validate the circumstances around their choices (if they choose to share them with me). After all, those are not my births, circumstances or choices. If a woman feels more comfortable in a hospital, or if she has medical conditions that play into that choice, who am I to say she shouldn't give birth in whatever place she feels is best? Who am I to say she shouldn't or wouldn't prefer a doctor to a midwife-- or a hospital over a homebirth?
On another note, I have had several women approach me with questions regarding natural birth and home birth. Many of these women were not aware homebirth was a safe and viable option for them. For this reason I talk openly about my births and support of the midwifery model of care. I share what we've experienced, and many times after women will further research their own options and choices in birth. That is exactly why I considered homebirth for myself--I heard another woman share her homebirth experience. I feel every option should be open to discussion and sharing-- and lets face it, most people believe the homebirth option is only for hippies and people living in the back woods too far away for a hospital. Am I right? Or am I right? I like to give another perspective.
Our birth with Daniel was just such a healing moment for our family. I felt it was a bit of a celebration and I guess I thought all of you who have stuck with me through the dark and cloudy days, may want to celebrate with us. How could I not write about it? Here. Where I document my life. But me being open and honest about my experience?--- that is not me saying, "look at MY birth. It's better than yours".
I apologize if I have ever made any of you feel that way.
Because that would be ridiculous.
Because that would go against everything I believe about women finding empowerment and growth in our birth experiences.
We women are too hard on ourselves already to start throwing judgment from others into the mix.
Do you agree? What are your thoughts? Share with us in the comments...
Post edit: I just have to say that the comments made were several. Pages worth. And actually they were in email form. Not just one accidental oversight. I don't want any of you wondering if you unknowingly said something. If you are wondering, then No. It wasn't you. And really I am pretty understanding. Usually if something is unintentionally said, I like to give the benefit of the doubt. Cause that's just how I roll. I like to assume people like me : )
Amen. I agree.
ReplyDeleteI think (and I do this at times myself), often women are out to prove that we are the best/better.
And as a hospital birthing kind of mom myself, there have been times when I have felt that I was not "the best" that I was not as tuff, because I opted for epidurals (no, not from your blog, but others out there). Yes, my own insecurities showing through like you said, but I can see how someone might get defensive, even if you didn't really do anything to provoke. It's just kind of the nature of the beast. And I can see why you would be hurt.
P.S. I always panic when someone writes of a hurtful comment. I always think, "Was it me?" Sometimes I wonder if I say stupid things without realizing. So, I'm just hoping I've never said anything hurtful. (And I really wanted you to win the Flour giveaway).
Emily, I completely agree with you that we,as women united, are a strong strong force and that we have the choice to join together to help one another with our divine capacity to love, support, and empathise with and for each other... Or... We can choose to hurt and tear down with judgements that, most often, sprout from our own insecurities. May I be one of those to join those who stand in the circle of love, support, and empathy for you? And to that list i'd also like to add admiration. :-) hang in there.don't let it get you down. Here were my thoughts when the same thing happened to me but the source was in my own family.
ReplyDeleteEm, From the moment we met, I knew that you would challenge me to be a better person...most importantly; a better wife and mother. NOT because you have any intention of doing so, just basking in your sweet glow is a blessing that reaffirms my faith. I love it. I rely on it. If anyone feels ANYTHING but inspired by you...they are delusional! PERIOD.
ReplyDeleteHere I am again - this time, with the link, because I'm now on my computer, rather than my phone (yes - I typed all of that on my phone, because I couldn't wait to respond!)
ReplyDeleteHere's the link to those thoughts I had...
http://marnmar.blogspot.com/2010/02/regardless.html
And by the way, I've been checking every day, hoping to find the rest of the Daniel story - so if you think you might have it in you.......
Emily, so well said, you do what's best for you and that's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a way with words. I love reading your posts. I absolutely agree that each of us must make our choices based on what is best for us.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful that you had such a wonderful and healing experience. It was beautiful to read.
Everyone has their own experiences and needs. There is no "best" place/way to give birth. Everyone's stories being unique and different is what makes it interesting. I love that you give birth at home. I am happy with my choice to have a natural birth at a hospital. It is what I am comfortable with. I have never been made to feel by you that home birth is superior in any way. It is just what is right for you. I miss you!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you. I have done natural birth, I just never felt comfortable doing it at home. But my mother in law is a mid-wife and delivered 10 of her babies at home. My sister in law has delivered at home too and I completely admire those who do choose to do it that way. I never got the impression that you thought you were better than others because you can and I always saw your blog as informative on the subject.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being who you are. For being you. I delivered my third baby in the hospital, natural with mid wives because the doctor never made it in time and I was very satisfied with the experience, I felt I was given more choice of positions that my body needed to be in to better manage the pain. Each experience I had giving birth was unique and different...just as each child is unique. I love to hear what you have to share, as I learn through other peoples experiences. I also understand the desire to protect that which is sacred and dear and that which is benificial to share.
ReplyDeleteFollow your heart my friend. If others have issue it is as you have said theirs to work through.
I love you Emily. I have never felt judgement from you, and I hope I haven't made you feel like I judge you. That is so not the case. I remember when we were talking about nursing when I was at your house. At first I wasn't sure how you were going to react that I didn't nurse long. You were so comforting and accepting of it. It was really like you knew my reasonings and stuff before I even said them.
ReplyDeleteJust because we do things different, doesn't make either of us bad people. We both are doing what is best for us, our family, and our babies.
I love you :)
I had all 3 of my babies at home with midwives, and love to discuss it for the same reasons you say. That does not mean 1 is better or worse- that is each woman's decision.
ReplyDeleteI once had a friend call me and ask if I thought her experience was not as good because she had a c-section.... we got to talking and it turned out she was just really, really unhappy with her birth and how things turned out. It wasn't anything I did or said.
And, for her 2nd baby she kept looking for a Dr. till she found one that encouraged her to have a VBAC. Now she got the experience that she wanted! (Which had nothing to do with me or the way I have my babies!)
People too easily think everything is a comparison, when it so absolutely totally just is not.
Post his birth story if/when you're up for it... I check almost daily to see if it's up! :)
Dearest Em,
ReplyDeleteI have never felt that you are judgmental or would frown on any of my birthing decisions as a mother. I feel very strongly about some things, i.e. natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. and I'm ashamed to admit that I was judgmental towards other women. Then I found myself being forced to have a c-section and a child that couldn't latch properly, leaving me with few options. I realized after that I should NEVER judge another mother for their decisions because I don't know what circumstances surrounded those decisions. You supported me through those hard moments and encouraged me to do what was best for my baby, but also what was best for ME as a mother. We all have different desires and circumstances. You are one of the most kind and thoughtful people I know. I've been dying to read your birth story, so please don't keep us in suspense for much longer!
I wish I could just copy and paste Jean's post from above. Emily...can I just say you are AMAZING and INSPIRING and such a BEAUTIFUL PERSON!! Thank you for being you!!
ReplyDeleteMight I just add...I think an arrangement for Mo and Paiz if for sure in order. ;)
Please...don't be hard on yourself. This is not the time. If someone hurt your heart...just know it was not theirs for the hurting. Don't let someone else's insecurities bring you down. This is a beautiful time in your life. Don't let anyone take that ray from you.
Love to you!!
Please...share Daniel's story.
You are an amazing person Emily!! I can't believe your old enough to be a mommy(: Thank you for sharing your birth story, the birth of a baby is a wonderful thing know matter where or how it is done.
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ReplyDeleteI don't know how anyone could get the impression that you think you are better than someone else. You are such a supportive person and so much of who you are is about empowering others in all forms, not just those who are wanting home births. In general, having a baby takes a tremendous amount of strength whether you have an epidural, you don't, or you do it at home and I for one know that you know that too. Having worked as a Labor & Delivery nurse for 5 years I just felt more comfortable delivering in the hospital because I knew my doctor and my friends were my nurses and quite honestly I had seen some "failed" home births come through my doors. But fully knowing that isn't always the case, I completely respect and admire those of you brave enough to do a home birth. It's a miracle all the way around. You are amazing Emily!!!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that had to happen.
ReplyDeleteI hope you will share you beautiful, inspiring birth story soon. xoxo
I know you'd never ever judge someone for not being a cookie-cutter version of you. You are amazingly open-minded yet extremely centered at the same time which is a rarity among women. Stay strong and know that I ♥ you.
ReplyDeleteI try to limit my judgement of others' choices to a small scope of would I do that or not? and why? I don't judge the person for their actions, just the viability of their choice in my life. You're exactly right when you say that we are too hard on ourselves already. We are. Empathy should not only be applied when people are making controversial decisions, we should employ our empathy into our daily interactions so that we can learn more about those we choose to spend time with and evaluate for ourselves if there is a better way we can be living our lives. Adding a negative into that process of "judgement" will not only undermine our personal growth, but will stunt our relationships as well. So yeah. You're right on.
you and i seem to have the exact opposite preferences regarding birth, home decor, etc. but you are still one of my best friends because of your willingness to just be open and udersanding of other people's decisions and their right to make them. that is why i never judge you and love you for being such a great friend to me.
ReplyDeletehang in there, sister. i love you. :)
completely agree with your sentiments. it's amazing how hard we (women) are on each other. and blogging from your phone is some serious dedication, girl.
ReplyDeleteEm - what can I say? I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! I love what you write, I love the look and I love how professionally it is designed. I am also very impressed with the number of comments you get and what is being said. I can't imagine anyone being offended or rude about your birthing choices. I was never brave enough or gutsy enough to do a home birth, but have long admired those who do. The most amazing birthing experience Steph had was at home in a birthing pool and I was so grateful to be there for it. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Thanks for taking time to do this.
ReplyDeleteComing at this from a completely different angle, maybe because of my Y chromosome, I don't know - but what I'm wondering now is what the price difference is between a home birth and a hospital birth.
ReplyDeleteMy mom had all her kids in a hospital, but she never had an epidural. It wasn't because she was trying to go natural - she just couldn't afford it!
I just came back from Ghana were I saw two births that might as well have been done at home. No epidural option, the women had to bring their own sheets and swaddling clothes, and weren't given a sterile gown - much less the fetal heart monitor, etc.
So, a birth can really be done on the cheap and no harm done, as harsh and tacky as that may sound. Is expense something that folks consider when opting for a home birth and what is the difference?
I'm a hospital girl through and through but just wanted to be sure you knew I think it is really neat when women (like you) can and do do it at home- unmedicated etc. I love being in the care of good dr's and nurses with a good epidural because I'm a big chicken! I've had 5 good experiences that way, often with things that seemed like they could have been bad if I wasn't in a hospital, but there is a tiny part of me that wishes I was brave enough to give it a try the "all natural" way. Or at least in a hospital without an epidural? ha! I don't know- I try not to judge that, it is brave, and I have to believe all the people who have done it with good outcomes because they all swear they wouldn't have done it any other way! I don't think you'd make that up- so good for you for doing what you think is best for you! And for sharing it so others who feel the same can have more confidence to go with their gut.
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting to comment. And waiting to read your birth story - with trepidation. I can't help but write this in tears. I've never quite been able to understand the feelings I have when I read about your opinions on homebirthing. To be quite honest, I don't like to read them. It is nothing you say in particular, but something about it makes me feel inferior. And it makes my heart hurt. I immediately want to think that it is a selfish way to birth a baby. That you are putting your newborn and yourself at great risk and why would you do that just for the sake of a good story? What if something went wrong? Please don't be offended. I have to say right here that it is completely because of my own "baggage" that I force myself to have these immediate reactions. The way you describe your experiences is absolutely magical. It is the dream I have always had in my head of what a baby delivery should be like. And every now and then, in my subconscious, I can imagine my deliveries being that empowering and beautiful. But the always-aching scar across my midsection reminds me otherwise. There is nothing beautiful or remarkable about the births of my children. I despise every moment of that sterile operating room and the numbing tugs and pulls that somehow produce the wails of a baby - a baby that feels foreign to me, and that may or may not have actually come from my own womb. It is painfully difficult to be such a distant participant in your own baby's birth. I hope that you never have to feel that ache. And the indescribable feeling that you are an immediate failure of a mother because your body was not able to bring your child into the world the way God had intended. I know you would never think these thoughts of someone else. But I can't help but think them of myself. And so when I read the remarkable stories that others share of their home births (or even a vaginal birth with an epidural) I am consumed with jealousy. That is the simple truth. I am jealous. It is my own baggage. And while my heart hurts, I can say completely that I am so very thrilled for your adorable and perfect little addition. If anyone deserves such a magical birthing story, it is you! Thank you for always being so inspiring. And uplifting. You make me want to be better. And I am thankful for that.
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ReplyDeleteem, I know I am a little late to comment to this--I usually am. I just got tonsils out yesterday so FINALLY my life will slow down for a week or so of recovery and I've really been wanting to catch up on your blog, so that's the first thing I'm doing this morning. I love this post. (especially cuz it's one of the few you've added comments to!;)
ReplyDeleteI think the key phrase in this post is: Because that would go against everything I believe about women finding empowerment and growth in our birth experiences.
Anybody who would think you judge them for the way the birth doesn't understand a very key aspect of your personality and beliefs. I am probably one of your friends who drills you with the most questions about things and I have never ONCE felt you were judging me if I didn't do it the way you do it or trying to impose your beliefs on me.
I love the way you empower women towards whatever is best for them. And I just read your birth story and saw your vacay pics this morning. I love it all (especially the bum crack one!!!)
I just love you, Em. I respect you a great deal.
Thanks for opening up the comments on this one. I love the story of your home birth. Congratulations on the birth of your son. I'm sure that it was an extremely healing moment for your family. I too look forward to that moment someday. You are a beautiful writer, and I hope that you can ignore the rude people of this world because there are many of them unfortunately. Best of luck to you guys!
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