I've felt like I'm just Running to Stand Still. I know we all feel like that at times. We're at an all out sprint just to keep up. Never mind getting ahead--- it's out of the question. And with the holidays approaching? Forget about it.
I've been trying to do too much. I'm wearing too many hats, have too many projects going, too many balls in the air and too many people I'm letting down. It's not a good feeling. One of the worst in fact.
Well, I had a break down. Like a serious "panic attack/take me to a therapist now, I need help" kind of break down.
As a side note~ honestly, you mothers (and/or) wives who work outside the home-- I commend all of you for doing it for any extended period. I've only been working again for a few months and it is the hardest thing I've ever done to try and have balance. It's hard enough (albeit rewarding) to be a mother and or wife without working.
I look back on my blog posts over the last couple months and wonder why I wasn't more open with what I've been struggling with. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, and I certainly don't have pride about what people think of the Emily who falls apart. Again, I guess I didn't want to be a downer. And I didn't want people to think I'm trying to get attention, like "Woe is me". Who the H cares? I'm not.
So here's my confession:
I struggle immensely with a desire to numb myself physically and emotionally. I've never done it with drugs or alcohol, but it takes a conscious choice every day to be present and live here in this life and to really feel it. To feel life. It's hard and I don't always succeed.
I will admit I have numbed myself with projects (get myself busy enough and I won't have time to feel). Believe me, if I didn't have a working knowledge of the negative effects of drugs and alcohol, and a knowledge that my genetics predispose me to addictive behaviors, I would probably be shooting up, popping pills or drinking my cares away this very minute. And I mean that.
So after my break down, I've come to a crossroads and I'm so Grateful for the people and experiences the Lord has put in my life at this time. I'm hanging on and we're getting through. It is indeed a process.
Wow. It feels good to get that in the open.
I've missed your posts. Sorry I didn't e-mail to tell you that. We've had strep throat at our house (first time ever, don't recommend it!) and I've been out of it. Hang in there, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I love how real you are. I can relate to how you are feeling in different ways and once again realize that we should meet...in person. One of these days we will :)
ReplyDeleteI also love this post!
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing openly, bravely and beautifully. We all have to struggle at some point. Before the butterfly exits the cocoon, she has to struggle quite a bit. xo
I'm so sorry that you have so much pain. I hope that opening up to us is one of the first steps you need to take to want to feel life again. I think you are an incredible person, and being present is within your grasp. I'm also so glad that you have a great support system around you now. Just when you need it. God is good to us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you felt like you could say this. I have the same struggles. You don't know me yet, but you will, and imagine me hugging you very tightly and nodding my head.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a joyful Thanksgiving. I'll be thinking of you.
Your honesty never fails to make me go, "Oh thank heavens she said it, because now I know I'm not going crazy."
ReplyDeleteSeriously, we are on the same page, SO often that I believe we were put in touch for the sole purpose of me learning from you.
Keep going, keep breathing, keep feeling. You deserve all of the wonderful things in the world.