The past week has been surreal. To go from buying a twin nursing pillow and triple stroller on Craigslist, to buying a casket and cemetery plots is pretty much mind blowing --(Plural, cause we bought our own plots too. Man, I'm grown up). I have no idea what is socially acceptable to say right now. Just know, if you ask me how I'm doing, I am going to tell you the truth. Sometimes I may be feeling really peaceful and relatively...upbeat?. Other times, not so much. Either way I take people by surprise. If I'm enjoying Morris and (heaven forbid) laughing and smiling---I sense some may think I've moved on too quickly or must not have bonded with my babies. If I'm in a moment of grief, they don't know what to say---not that I blame them, what can anyone say?
One woman (who I didn't even know) actually said, "Well, at least you are young---You can have more". As if I were a dog, just having a litter of puppies. I had to laugh. Seriously. Out loud.
Now, no one who reads this blog would say that; ) And I have received so much support and love from you, my fellow bloggers. So I guess I'm preaching to the choir---But I just want to put this out there into cyberspace...
It doesn't matter how long a woman has with her baby---whether she gives birth extremely premature, baby is miscarried, baby born still, baby passes soon after birth, or dies in their first months or later years. A mother's love grows to fill her heart completely in whatever time she is given with her child.
I feel I spent eternity with Sheldon & Thomas in the short moments I had with them and yet it went too fast. And so, figuring out this new path I've been given, is proving to be tricky. Being the mother of two I will not mother in this life is hard to wrap my brain around. So far, the key to my sanity has been to let the emotions bubble up when they come. Grieve when I feel it. I'm not good at suppressing my feelings anyway (as demonstrated by my political posts). But then I have to give myself permission to be happy when I need and want to be. I can't live in grief-land 24/7 (although, this early in the game it may seem odd to others). I give myself permission to cry when it comes, for a lifetime if I need. And then, when I want to laugh--I laugh. Good and hard. Sheldon & Thomas had to of had good senses of humor. I know I felt their presence in the days after their birth. They wanted us to laugh and be happy and accomplish our mission---as they had accomplished theirs.So that's what I've been feeling today. And a lot more that flits through my brain without enough time to develop into coherent thoughts...
you are doing an amazing job. i'm so glad that you already understand how you are allowed to feel, which is however you want. i remember the night robby and i flew to san diego to meet my family, after the initial sadness, we all settled into our regular selves and could laugh together. it made it so much easier for me.
ReplyDeletekeep taking care of yourself and even though it will take time, it will get better. i love you and i'm always here for you.